Pairings

Ok, so perhaps my mind just happened upon a few comparisons at once, and perhaps it was sneakily inspired by my comparison of the real Raekwon lyrics and the fake yet cooler ones I had in my head (see previous post). I don’t really know how this half-baked idea emerged, but really, who cares? Here goeth some more zardly musings for you to ponder what I call….the pairings.

Slap Shot vs. Caddyshack – everyone knows about Caddyshack, and how all the dorkus malorkuses in banking and other golfsturbation-oriented fields of work know all the best lines from Caddyshack. Even SNL did that skit where you can order some tapes that help you learn all the good lines so you can shuck and jive with the best of them at the office parties or around the water cooler or whatever. But really, the tru tank shit is the Slap Shot shit. I mean, who wants to imitate Bill Murray’s stupid-ass character when you can drop lines like “think about all the snatch down in F-L-A” or “I’M TRYING TO LISTEN TO THE FUCKING SONG!” Let’s face it – Caddyshack is Nation of Millions, and Slap Shot is Yo! Bum Rush the Show. It’s true. I mean, everyone knows about Baseheads and Bring the Noise and all that, but the real connoisseurs love rapping about how their Uzi weighs a ton. Caddyshack, like Nation of Millions, is vibrant, full of action and zaniness and accessibility; Slap Shot and Yo!, however, are rugged, raw, two-fisted and blue collar. No yachts or country clubs here – it’s all Sophisticated Bitch and hockey wives saying stuff like, “I can’t stand it if I’m not tight.”

Think about it. You like Caddyshack, that’s fine. I do too, and I like Nation as well. It’s a hot record, one of the best of all time, a true desert island disc. But if you want to take it to the next level, to the real shit, you gotta go up to the hinterlands, to cold steel towns and Oldsmobiles and Rightstarters and Hansens. It’s like this: you party to Nation, but you fight to Yo! – ain’t no more to it, as Biggie says.


LA Riot Songs: Dre vs Cube – I have been reacquainting myself with The Predator, Ice Cube’s post-LA-riots album, and one of my favorites on that one is “We Had to Tear this Mothafucka Up.” I’ve often considered this comparison in my own little mind, but thank God for blogs! Now I can write about the question of which riot song is better – Cube’s track or Dr. Dre’s “The Day the Niggaz Took Over,” from The Chronic. Sooo important. Changing the world, one stupid blog post at a time.

For me, it’s kind of a tough call. They both have eerie, unsettling samples and soundbites and lyrics that convey the anger and the tumult of the LA riots; Dre focuses on a recap of what your average riotin’-ass dude was doing during the riots (you know, stealing and stuff) while Cube not only raps about that stuff but includes some fantasies about what he would like to do to the four cops who were acquitted. Tough call for me –– what do you think? I think Stoney McStoneyrock, aka Oliver Stone, would go for Dre since he used that haunting intro sample during that one part of Natural Born Killers when the prison riot is really poppin’ off, and it pretty much makes the movie. Yes, that one use of that one track in that one scene pretty much makes the movie. That’s what I said. Please consult Ligma Sagbatch if you disagree. Ok, and the choral music when the cops are whaling on Woody after he and Juliette surrender at the Drug Mart, and the camera slowly pulls back and upward. That too, that’s all of it.

Now that I’ve listened to both songs in succession, though, I’ma have to go with Dre. Cube’s cop-rape fantasies are a little too corny, and I really like the audio clips of news reports from the riots that contribute to the desperate, chaotic feel of Dre’s track. Of course, Cube wins on sheer volume of hot tracks. But in this contest, I’m going with tha mothafuckin’ docta.

Ron and Danny – go rent Big Fish. Check out the part when Ewan McGregor is talking to Danny DeVito the morning after DeVito’s character turned into a werewolf. He’s sitting on a log with a sheet or something wrapped around his waist. You would not believe how much he looks like a world-weary Ron Jeremy on the set of some porn movie. Swear to God, he’s the spitting image. It’s really funny. There has got to be some picture out there of Ron that would make an excellent comparison to a screen shot from Big Fish. I don't do that sort of crap, though.

That’s it. I know, that last one was short. Stay tuned for a recap of my insane night in Kowloon. If I ever get my laptop back.

Chucky