Vaguely Writing About Sports

Y’all been reading about this huge cat who is playing in the Little League World Series right now? Aaron Durley. He’s an American expat kid who is playing for Saudi Arabia. His pops works for Saudi Aramco, where gas is 75 to 80 cents a gallon. Dude is 6’8” and weighs – get this – 256 pounds. Two hundred and fifty-mother-fucking-six pounds. Size 19 shoes. He is:

Bigger than Shaq was at age 13.
Bigger than I am now, at age 35.
Bigger than I will ever fucking be.

For the past couple days, when I get in to the office in the morning and scan the headlines on 1010WINS.com to see what’s crackin’ and to check whether anyone on my death pool list died (still in 1st place, WHAT!!), I have noticed the headline “Little League World Series Blog.” Every time I see the headline, I chuckle at the idea of every post on the blog consisting of something like “fuuuck, that dude on the Saudi team is big.”

Last night my boy told me that his team has two other big dudes – Michael Knight, clocking in at 6’3” and190 pounds, and Andrew Holden, 5’8” and 226 pounds. My boy said he was watching Durley’s team play Saipan the other night and it looked like freakin’ Lilliput up in that piece. But 6’8” at age 13? Damn. The sad thing is that the guy is just destined to play sports. He’s got no choice. I mean, he seems to like playing sports a lot, and he has his favorite sports and players and all that (Boston’s Big Papi Ortiz is his favorite baseball player), so he’s down, but still, this dude wouldn’t have a chance in hell if he told his pops he wanted to be a physicist. I like to think he’d have a shot, but you know how it goes in the USA these days (Durley is moving to Houston soon, since the Aramco compound [read: your average company town, but with a shitpile of money] where he lives in Saudi Arabia doesn’t have a high school). He’s going to be bred for basketball or football. It’s a wrap, as Ramon is fond of saying.

The other sad, but for me also rather funny, thing about this dude is the fact that he has probably unintentionally traumatized dozens of his homies in the showers already. Can you imagine being a little 6th- or 7th-grader, already pretty anxious about the whole locker room scene and the group showers and all that, and you head into the showers and see this kid’s monster cock? You’d look down at your little weenis and be like, “I’m DEFORMED!” and that moment would haunt you for years. Dude probably has a big jungly pube triangle down there too, and all these other little dudes are like bald and shit. Sucks for them. Let’s hope all the shellshocked kids scoped out some of their fellow teammates and realized that they’re in pretty decent shape for their age.

I shudder to think of that one time, that rare situation, when some kid goes to the showers and sees Durley, then sees Holden, then he sees Knight, and he just runs out of there screaming and they find him catatonic in the back of the locker room, sucking his thumb and idly pulling on his dick. That guy would never return to the showers, ever, and thus would never discover that not every 13-year-old has a freakin’ Monsanto carrot hangin’ off him. He’d just be scarred for life. Done.

I just realized that I somehow deleted my entire Biggie piece. Dammit!

Chucky